And please, the next time you’re about to tease someone for being a lowly Hufflepuff, or a slimy Slytherin, or a stuck up Ravenclaw or even a foolish Gryffindor, just remember that we are all Hogwarts students. We’re all part of the magic.
If you EVER need me to take a post down of yours for ANY reason, just say the word.
Even if it’s months later.
Even if you told me, “PLEASE POST THIS YAYYYY!”
If shit changes and you need it removed, consider it done.
And if you ever feel unsafe and need to go on a tumblr-wide hunt to delete pictures of yourself, I will gladly pull up my sleeves and help.
Do not be afraid to ask. No, you are not being silly. Yes, you deserve to feel safe.
Just let me know.
BUT. DON’T GET MAD IF I TELL YOU I CAN’T IMMEDIATELY. I get on tumblr on my phone a lot, and I can’t delete posts from the app. (I say this, because it’s happened before, and someone got very angry with me.)
A student blows up at a teacher, drops the F-bomb. The usual approach at Lincoln – and, safe to say, at most high schools in this country – is automatic suspension. Instead, Sporleder sits the kid down and says quietly: “Wow. Are you OK? This doesn’t sound like you. What’s going on?”
He gets even more specific: “You really looked stressed. On a scale of 1-10, where are you with your anger?” The kid was ready. Ready, man! For an anger blast to his face….”How could you do that?” “What’s wrong with you?”…and for the big boot out of school. But he was NOT ready for kindness.
The armor-plated defenses melt like ice under a blowtorch and the words pour out: “My dad’s an alcoholic. He’s promised me things my whole life and never keeps those promises.” The waterfall of words that go deep into his home life, which is no piece of breeze, end with this sentence: “I shouldn’t have blown up at the teacher.” Whoa.
I don’t care if you think I’m too young. I don’t care if you think we wont make it.
It’s none of your damn business anyway.
So please. Just stop. I’m getting married whether you approve or not.
THIS THIS THIS THIS.
Oh my god thank you. That is exactly a problem I’ve been having. I’m on your team.
UGH. What sucks is that the majority of this is coming from my clients at work, trying to tell me I’m too young.
But, then again… I also had one of my clients say that I didn’t know what I was talking about, and that I was marrying him, and we’re going to Tahiti for our honeymoon.
But, yeah. AND I CAN’T TELL THEM OFF BECAUSE THEY’RE MY CLIENTS AND I HAVE TO BE NICE.
I have my so called best friend telling me I’m too young when we have like, 4 friends that are married younger than us and they’re doing excellent. It’s so frustrating though because I’ve had customers tell me before that I shouldn’t get married anytime soon, that I’m too young to even know what love was. I’m like, if I believe in the love and he believes in the love, it doesn’t matter…
My best friend is also engaged. So she understands.
What kills me are the married people that are like “LOL DON’T GET MARRIED. IT’S SO TERRIBLE, ISN’T IT HONEY? HAHAH WE’RE SO HILARIOUS.”
But, yeah. People need to shut up. I’m not gonna just put a halt on something that’s going to make me happy just because it makes someone else uncomfortable. It’s not hurting anyone so, they can shove it.
Forgot to add there ARE certain things you can’t self diagnosed, just like with medical problems.
DID, schizophrenia, etc etc.
But things like depression, Gender Identity Disorder, and even forms of bipolar disorder can be diagnosed.
This is really… what.
You can’t self diagnose with DID or schizophrenia. But you can self diagnose with bipolar disorder. Why? What’s the difference?
If you can look at a description of your experiences and say, “wow, that really describes me better than anything else I’ve ever seen”, then you can self-diagnose. That’s all that a psychiatrist is doing: looking at your symptoms and checking them against the DSM, or other descriptions of symptoms that they learned in school. That’s why the DSM exists, so that psychiatrists can “look up” what disorder you are likely to have. You can do it too. Yes, psychiatrists have training, but a lot of that training is aimed at understanding what is going on in YOUR brain when they are not inside it, and the rest is things like, getting you to talk about it, getting you to be aware of parts of your self, etc., and working out what is going on when you are not aware enough to understand your self. If you are aware enough to know what is going on in your brain, then, it’s not hard to realise… “hey, I have the experience of having multiple people in my head, who talk to me, sometimes take control of the body, etc… what does that sound like…”
Yes, there are some people who don’t have the ability to realise they are mentally ill. But those are not usually the people self-diagnosing, for obvious reasons.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please don’t encourage self-diagnosis. It’s extremely undermining to the conditions that those of us with serious mental disorders suffer from and have gone to great lengths to procure treatment for. I could not diagnose myself with paranoid personality disorder, bipolar disorder (with minor symptoms of psychosis), general anxiety disorder and asperger’s disorder all on my own. It took fucking years to get that all sorted out. The mentally ill are in no fit place to tell themselves what they have. Professionals exist for a reason.
I just. Oh my God. It makes me so angry when people self-diagnose.
No, I have to disagree. I am mentally ill in many ways. I am diagnosed with autism from a child. I have had an eating disorder. I have anxiety. These things are diagnosed, I have had medications etc. for them (I still take medications for anxiety).
But those things don’t mean that I am unable to look at my self, and see the symptoms of other things that I never have been treated for or diagnosed for. I can tell that I have dermatillomania, I don’t need a doctor to diagnose me with that because the definition is “compulsive skin picking” and I do that. I know I have a lot of strong traits of schizoid personality disorder - I don’t know if I can say I am fully schizoid, but, I can see that many of the traits describe me. If I was not diagnosed with autism, I would know I have autism without a doctor telling me: I lacked ability to speak from a young age, I am hypersensitive to some sounds and textures, I have dyspraxia (also not diagnosed but I know I have it because I CANNOT follow a pattern of physical movements, I forget where parts of my body are, I can’t time my movements, I can’t remember movements I am supposed to make, I have a lot of the short term memory problems associated with it, etc. etc.), I stim, I am often overwhelmed, I have focused special interests and I don’t care about other things, I take things literally, I don’t adapt quickly… etc. etc. I know I suffer from amnesia because there are large parts of my life I can’t remember. I don’t need to go to a doctor and say, “I can’t remember the time between being 10 and 15.” and be told, “oh, you have amnesia”.
Not everyone who is mentally ill lacks the ability to analyse their own mind and behaviors, and, it also really depends on the mental illness. Some of them take away your ability to know you have the illness. Many of them do not.
And, self-diagnosis is not about people pretending to have a mental illness to make fun of people who have a real mental illness. It’s about analysing your own life and being aware of your own self. It’s about people who can’t afford to be diagnosed, trying to work out what is happening to them. It’s about people who have been told 10 different things by 10 different doctors, trying to find the truth.
None of these things are bad. In fact, they are healthy.
There was a post in the ace tags that went something like this “I didn’t like the sex but I pretended to to see you happy”.
And (non-aces) went off on it. Saying it was creepy, that “violating your boundaries” is wrong, etc.
But…it never said anything about boundaries, or not wanting to do it. How is it lying about boundaries? I don’t understand.
Just because you don’t like sex, doesn’t mean you cannot consent to it.
It seems like asexuals are damned either way - if we don’t have sex with our partners, we’re terrible people dooming them to celibacy; if we do have sex with them, there’s something terribly wrong with it, and we’re being abusers (trying to emotionally abuse the non-ace partner by saying “I didn’t really like it” and make them feel bad, as if they’re hurting you)
hint: it is a violation of boundaries for most people (including all non-creepy people) to consent to sex when you don’t want to because most people DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX
i am really grossed out by the idea that i’m supposed to be ok with someone having sex with me who doesn’t want to or else i’m “anti-ace” .
and I know outlawroad is deranged, but the fact that they actually compare having sex when you don’t want to doing homework or working at a job you don’t like “for the money” is a perfect illustration of how Tumblr ace culture is just an echo chamber for everything vile and poisonous about patriarchal constructions of sex in this culture
1. If you don’t want to have sex with someone but they pressure you into it anyway, THAT’S RAPE. End of story. Stop letting your ace friends romanticize it as the tragic burden of asexuals in this world, because that’s fucked up.
2. If you don’t want to have sex with anyone but consent to it because you think it will “make them happy”, that’s really, really, fucking unhealthy and will lead to a lot of resentment down the road. And no, it’s not really comparable to someone who enjoys having sex with their partner and who occasionally performs an act that does nothing for them personally (but that they don’t mind) because their partner likes it. It’s much more along the lines of the wife who consents to unsatisfying sex with her boorish husband in order to “keep him happy”, because of that poisonous patriarchy thing I mentioned.
3. If you are deliberately refraining from telling your partner you feel no sexual desire for them, even though you know they would have never had sex with you were they aware of your true feelings, and are smugly crowing about it online, that’s manipulative and also something abusive partners do, fyi.
It’s all about context, but Jesus Christ, none of these scenarios are good.
I’m so frequently just… deeply appalled at the kind of rhetoric that comes out of the tumblr/AVEN/etc asexual “community”.
Just when I think it can’t get any more drenched in rape culture…
I know I have no opinion in this, since I’m not ace, but I’d just like to throw something out there.
Sometimes I have sex when I don’t really want it, too. This isn’t bad, I’m not a bad person, I’m not fucking up boundaries, I’m not emotionally abusing anyone.
That’s all horse shit. I know ace folks out there don’t need their standpoints validated by a sexual person like me. But, seeing all these people saying that it’s not possible to have sex with someone because you know it makes them happy, even if you don’t particularly want to… It makes me mad.
Sometimes I don’t wanna bone. But, sometimes when I don’t wanna bone, Andrew wants to bone, therefore I tell him “I don’t particularly want to bone… But, if you do then I’m okay with doing it anyway, as long as we both understand that I don’t particularly want to right now.” And he’s like “Okay. You don’t have to, but if you want to do it, I would really really like that.” Then we’re like “Okay, let’s bone.”
AND THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY. Because even though I’m not really into it, I’m freely giving my consent. He knows I’m not into it, he knows that I’m doing it because I know he wants it, and I want him to feel good. THAT IS OKAY.
Not to mention I just don’t get why people are sitting here butting into other people’s sex lives when it’s really none of their business. If consent is given, whether or not it’s enthusiastic consent, it’s still consent.
Why is it so wrong to want to do something for your partner that you don’t particularly want to do, just because you know it makes them happy?
TL;DR: I know my opinion doesn’t matter in this, because I’m not ace. But, I still wanted to point out that it’s fucked up to judge other people’s CONSENSUAL sex lives just because it’s something YOU wouldn’t do.