Dear Bladder…

Look, man. We’ve had a pretty damn good relationship for most of my life. You know, holding all the shit filtered out of my blood so that I can excrete it from my body and stuff for a total of about 19 years without any semblance of a problem.

But, right now… I’m getting really tired of yours and the Kidneys’ shit. I mean, I’ve gotten used to LK’s shenanigans. Always being an asshole and making my back hurt for no apparent reason, since every test we’ve taken together have proved that both her and RK are in perfect working condition. I’ve just accepted the fact that she’s just special and needs me to give her extra attention. I understand that she’s temperamental. I’ve also accepted that RK has a temper that I set off sometimes. I know he gets mad at me when I push his buttons (eating too much spinach, drinking too much soda and not enough water) and I expect it when he also gives me back pain. Yes, it’s annoying. I am getting tired of it. But, that I’m on the path to acceptance for.

You, on the other hand, you annoying little shit…. Oh, god. You and urethra are like the perfect couple, working in tandem to make my life fucking miserable. Every once in a while I wonder if you’re even talking shit about me to that group of Pelvic Floor Muscles, since they sometimes work with you and Urethra to make things difficult. But, can I tell you something, bladder? AND YOU, TOO URETHRA. YOU’RE NOT OFF THE HOOK…

I am so tired of you guys being like “SAM! SAM IT’S AN EMERGENCY. GO GO GO. BATHROOM ROUTE INITIATED. ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.” I know Kidneys give you a lot of stuff to handle sometimes, and that you’re small and its difficult for you to hold on. But, that does not excuse you from doing the above, and waiting until I get to the bathroom with my pants down and in serious abdominal pain to let me know that it’s just a drill. Or even worse: when it’s not a drill and you’re just going to be a stubborn ass and tell Urethra that she doesn’t need to do her job and let her empty you. Or tell her that if she does empty you, she has to flare up and make it only come out in dribbles, in a wave of scorching, burning pain.

I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to you, so this really needs to stop. If I’ve made a mistake somewhere to turn you into a spiteful, angry asshole and use Urethra and the Pelvic Floor Muscles against me, please… Just talk to the doctors. They will help me fix whatever’s going on. Don’t just be ambiguous and give them weird test results and not follow up. Holding it in (literally) isn’t helping anything, and it’s just hurting us both.

So, next time you send me racing for the bathroom for the fifth time in two hours, think about what you’re doing. Think about who you’re hurting. It’s not just me. It’s you, too.

Sincerely hoping you get your shit together,

Samantha